I'm a Monster
by haze1982
Summary: Set in the early days of the Marauder era. A young Remus Lupin is in his first year at Hogwarts and is trying to adjust to the many changes. No warnings except a bit of warmness, a little brooding, and encouragement from a certain Headmaster.


**I'm a Monster**

_**Set in the early days of the Marauder era. A young Remus Lupin is in his first year at Hogwarts and is trying to adjust to the many changes. No warnings except a bit of warmness, a little brooding, and encouragement from a certain Headmaster. **_

Remus finally stepped out of the portrait and to the steps of the Gryffindor tower after being confined to his room for nearly a week. He had been excused of classes after a rather vicious transformation. The morning was a cold autumn and the leaves were covered on the ground. The November colors of orange, red, and brown decorated the school grounds and forest. He still could barely walk even though he was quite young. One would wonder why an eleven year old would be using a cane to aid them. He answered to anyone who had the nerve to actually question the use of his cane that he had an injury when he fell down the stairs and his knee messed up on him from time to time.

He saw his three best friends standing in the hallway talking, laughing, and making unpleasant remarks to Snivellus. He was so grateful that he found friends his first year and he didn't want to do anything to mess up his camaraderie. Of course, he didn't have the energy today to step in and he didn't have the will power the other days. They noticed him walking down the hall and Sirius came near him.

"Let me take your books for you, mate."

Remus smiled politely, "Thank you."

"You could have stayed in bed today. I'm sure Dumbledore wouldn't have minded."

"Dumbledore? Is he teaching Charms this morning?"

"Yeah, he's filling in because the other Professor needed holiday time."

"Oh, that's good."

The pair walked down the entrance that led to class and they took their seat beside one another. Sirius watched Remus as he sat carefully in his chair He really cared for his friend and he wished there was something he could do to help him. He had only known him for a few months but he noticed that he would disappear for awhile and return looking like someone beat him. He had tried time and again to question it but Remus was very vague. He promised him time and again that there was no one bullying or beating him. Sirius was suspicious, of course, but took his word for it.

Dumbledore was surprised to see Remus out of his room, "Good morning, Mr. Lupin."

"Good morning, Headmaster."

Dumbledore smiled softly at the boy and noted the scars across his face. He admired Remus' dedication to his studies and hoped that he would take as much time as he needed to recuperate.

Remus rested his cheek on the back of his hand and tried as hard as he could to pay attention. The pain in his back was still there-throbbing reminder of what he truly was. He tapped his quill on his parchment and drew doodles along his paper. He drew a wolf staring at the moon and Remus wrote beside the wolf-_the monster I am_. He brushed the feather part of his quill over the moon and lost focus of whatever Dumbledore was saying. The next thing he knew, Dumbledore was standing above him and said gently, "Remus? Do you know the answer to the question I just asked?"

The young boy's face blushed a thousand shades of crimson as he looked up at the Headmaster. He swallowed hard and shook his head, "I'm sorry, Sir. What was the question?"

The Slytherins took their moment and started laughing at Remus.

"Silence, class. I asked, Mr. Lupin. Have you read your first year book on _Wingardium Leviosa_?"

Remus nodded his head, "Yes, Headmaster. I have."

"Could you give a demonstration for the class?"

Remus nodded politely and lifted his wand. He pointed his wand at the feather before him and said the words without missing a syllable: "_Wingardium Leviosa!"_

"Thank you and that is very good. Now, we covered this last week-" Dumbledore continued his lecture and Remus breathed a sigh of relief.

Sirius smiled towards his friend and whispered, "That was amazing. You weren't even here for that lesson."

Remus blushed again and went back to writing or doodling, whichever he felt the urge to do.

The class was over and Dumbledore looked towards Remus before he left, "Mr. Lupin. Would you stay behind?"

He nodded and looked at his friends, "I'll catch up, mates."

He left his books on his desk and got his cane, walking to Dumbledore slowly.

"Yes, Sir? Have I done something wrong?

"No, my boy. I wanted to ask you about the notes you took in class today."

Remus looked at him confused and slightly worried.

"I saw the drawing that you had on your parchment. The wolf and the words beside it. Do you feel as though you are a monster?"

Remus felt his hand shake slightly on top of his cane and swallowed hard, shutting his eyes with a nod.

Dumbledore's cheek twitched a little as he felt his heart warm. He couldn't imagine the burdens the young man carried with his affliction. He stood up and walked up to the werewolf. He reached a finger under Remus' chin and directed him to look him in the eye. He saw the pain in his expression and smiled fatherly towards him, "You are not a monster. You're a very good person."

Remus' voice cracked, "I wish I could agree with you, Sir."

"The last transformation you had was worse, I know. You could have stayed in bed today."

"I-I know, Sir. I am tired of being alone and needed to look at something besides my four walls."

"You are not alone. You have James, Sirius, and Peter. Not to mention me and Professor McGonagall."

"I know that, Headmaster. I mean, there is no one here that is the same as me. Every month I have to go through the-with being-that. I never know what I'll do and it's hard to control. I have to be led away and kept in a room by myself month after month."

Dumbledore sighed sadly as he listened to the boy.

"Headmaster. I am happy that you've allowed me to go to school here and all that you have done. My _own_ parents can't even figure out what to do with me. How can I not feel like a monster? I'm scared that my friends will find out-and-"

Dumbledore pulled the boy closer to him and hugged him close. Remus buried his face into his Headmaster's robes and wept. Albus knelt down to reach the young boy's height and let him cry. Rubbing his back to attempt to calm him down he said gently, "Remus. I know how you're feeling and feelings are strong but you are stronger."

Remus' voice was muffled into Dumbledore's shoulder, "What?"

He pulled him away gently so he could look in his eyes. He pulled out a handkerchief and handed it to him. Remus took the cloth graciously and brought it to his face to wipe away the tears.

"Remus. You have went through the transformations since you were younger than you are right now. You have survived and you will continue to do so. If you were a monster, you would let the wolf part of you take over and you have not done that. It takes someone of great character and strength to do that."

"But, Sir. Look at me. Look at my face. It's all scratched up and I can barely even walk this time. I look weak-"

"Ah, my boy. Looks can be very deceiving," he pointed to Remus' heart. "That is where true strength is kept."

"How can you know how strong I am?"

"Because, in the short time I've had the pleasure of knowing you, child, you make good choices. You go willingly to the Shack and you want to ensure that others are safe. You're afraid right now but never let your fear over-ride your judgment."

Remus smiled a little at his words and tried to calm his shaking down.

"You have many talents and gifts. I will help you through your time here, Remus. You won't be alone and you come to me any time you need to."

The boy nodded and sighed. Albus saw in him a young man wise beyond his years. He didn't regret for one moment allowing the werewolf to come to Hogwart's.

"Now, if you want to go back to your room, I will let the teachers know. It is your choice."

"I think I'm going to go catch up with my mates, Sir. I have already missed too much and I love learning."

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled brightly as he nodded, "Good boy."

Remus looked up at him as he handed him his cane and smiled. If Dumbledore believed that-that he was a good and strong, maybe it was true. He took the cane and said softly, "Thank you, Headmaster."

Dumbledore nodded and walked Remus to the door. He watched as he walked out of the room trying to carry his books in his free arm and balancing himself with the cane. He noticed the three young men sitting on the benches. With the exception of Sirius hanging upside down on the edge of his bench and his wild black hair falling to the ground.

He smiled as he watched them, "You waited on me, Sirius? James? Peter?"

They came over to him and Sirius put his arm over his shoulders, "Of course we did. We're your mates, right?"

Remus' eyes lit up as he grinned, "Yes. You are."

"Are you all right?" James asked him.

Remus took a moment and breathed in, "I'm good."

Sirius took his books from him and carried them to the next class.

James chimed in, "Remus! When you get well again, we have one of the most amazing pranks ever planned out."

Dumbledore smiled brightly as he looked on, "You'll never be truly alone."

**The End**

_**A/N: So, I had this idea earlier tonight and had to write the story. I figured if I went on to sleep, I'd completely forget this thought. Hope you all enjoyed it! Comments, reviews, and all that is very encouraged and welcomed. Thanks so much! **_


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